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The loss of a loved one and envy
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Sep 26, 2008 11:04 am
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To anyone who watched a loved one pass away slowly my heart goes out to you. This past week my sisters and brother and myself have been dealing with our mothers slow death. She was hospitalized a couple weeks ago and last weekend took a turn for the worst. We had to decided to pull certain life support, such as the feeding tube. It was causing her more harm than good. Now we just watch her starve to death.
The reason I send my heart to those who've lost loved ones this way is because I'm not loosing a loved one. I don't know how I'd react if I was loosing some one I loved in this manner. To sum it up I hate my mother. Her passing is a blessing.
My mother neglected us children, turned us over to the state, and gave up her rights. By law the state of Minnesota became my legal parent when her rights were terminated and I became a ward of the state. We ended up in the care of the state when she tried to murder my sister and myself by gasing us in the kitchen oven. The second attempt she tried killing all of us children by lyng us down on a bed and setting the house on fire. Both attempts were botched by my grandfather who who lived upstairs from us and walked in at just the right time.
I have not shed a tear for her and I was not a part of the medical decisions. I can not shed a tear for the woman who told me in my early twenties "had I known you were going to be gay I would have never had you." The tears I've cried were for guilt. For feeling the way I do. I have also cried because I've been denied the chance to greive like a normal son should.
Again anyone who has dealt with this type of loss of a loved one my heart goes out to you. I feel a bit shamed to say my heart envies you.
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Can A Daddy Be Too Proud?
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Sep 15, 2008 7:56 am
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Okay I'll stop bragging after this one!!! But can I be too proud? Look at that face. Don't ya just wanna hug him? Or kiss his nose? Or put him under your coat and steal him? Or? Or? Or?
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A Queen
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Sep 14, 2008 9:38 pm
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In my earlier entry I made the life of a drag queen out to be something bad. I'd like to take a moment and clear that up. A great many aspects of a queens life could be shitty but it truely had it grand points. Trust me so many men wouldn't gravitate to it if it sucked!
Believe me when I say I had the world on a silver platter at times. No, make that golden. Oh fuck it, how about a diamond encrusted platnum platter carried by buffed Greek Gods!! If a queen can think it, a queen can get it. When you're good you get into areas of the gay night life and the gay scenes most people don't even know exsist. When you're great you can put your money away and watch the world be layed at your feet. When you're great and can handle power with grace, the possibilities are endless. That is where I was at. For years I had the looks, talent and power that most dream of having. In the life of impersonation, real life gets impersonated. That is where I got messed up.
As most people go to the bars and gay events, the queens are the events. People plan their nights and weekends around where certain queens are appearing. Of course there is always one queen that the bars rely on. They are given the events and the main queen set up the appearances of the other queens. If a queen messes up once the one in power can make you dissappear. I made many dissappear. MANY!
A national or international title holder pays for nothing. There is always someone there to take care of you. If you're will to pay the price. And there is a price. Your dignity for one. No matter what the 'gift' it will chip away at your dignity. If you can sustain, there is a lifestyle waiting.
I've performed in San Franscisco, Denver, Colorado Springs, Omaha, Des Moines, Duluth, Superior, MPLS, St. Paul, Little Canada, all over MN. There were time I truely would be on a microphone and have to stop mid sentence and ask "where the hell am I?"
Like I said the life had it's ups. Unfortunately the best of it handed me it's downs. The queens in any state that I've seen don't get the respect they deserve. When a bar isn't doing well management will turn to the queens first to put on shows and pay them crap in return. When money is good, the drag shows are the first to be cancelled and never are there bonuses for the queens who stuck with the bar during their time of trial.
I love to see drag shows! If you're ever at one tip the queens well. Most of them get less than $50 a show, have to pay their own bar tabs, and often time if there is a fundraiser it is their show pay that is first to be donated as a guarentee to the benifit. It's not til they get to the top do things change. Some...most, never get there!
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A Little More About Linus
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Sep 11, 2008 11:27 am
3853 Views
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Of course I had to pick him up. He barely woke up as I brought him to my shoulder. He just nuzzled his pure black nose under my chin into my neck and continued his slumber.
I asked about the clock in the box and that is when his story was told to me.
An employee of the thrift store was driving and noticed a dog lying in the ditch. She pulled over to see if the dog was okay. It didn't take long for her to realize it was dead. She was heading back to her car to call animal control when she heard this high pitch squeeking. She returned to the dead dog and realized the noise was coming from under it. She lifted the legs to roll it over and underneith was four tiny newly born puppies. Two males and two females. This woman wrapped them in an extra shirt she had in her vehicle and took them home. Six weeks later I got Linus. The clock was to help the puppies sleep. She little reluctant to hand him over into my care because for six weeks she had bottle fed them and cared for them. I promised her she had nothing to worry about. I wrote my address and invited her to check on him at anytime. Our journey began that day and as I look back I couldn't see it any other way.
He was actually quit sick when I brought him home. He hadn't seen a vet as of then and it turned out he was full of worms. If you've never had a dog with this problem it isn't something you want to watch as the medication takes effect. He made it!
Around town he's become a celebrity in his own mind. I've had strangers knock on my door just to ask about him. The neighborhood kids take turns walking him and no matter where I go everyone asks "How's Linus?"
Linus was the runt of the litter which is another reason he was the last to be let go. He didn't stay a runt for long. It didn't take long for his legs to grow and by the size of his paws he was going to be a big one. When I brought him home I thought for sure he would be a small dog. My judgement was corrected quickly.
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Meet my best friend Linus!
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Sep 5, 2008 3:44 pm
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Just over five years ago I was sitting at the laundry-mat and I had this urge to go the second hand thrift store. I hadn't been there in months. I just couldn't shake this desire to go to this junk store. It seemed to take forever for the final spin to complete on my washing machine. I finally threw everything into the drier, jumped on my bike and went shopping.
Didn't find anything spectacular. A couple of candles & plastic containers WITH lids. Ya know how difficult it is for us bachelors to find a plastic container with lids. (Oh, that right I'm talking to gay guys...scratch that last part.) So I found some fabulous candles and waited for the check out girl (or gyrl if you're a lesbian reading this), and waited forever. Or at least a minute and a half. Isn't that forever on the queer clock?
Anyway the cashier came from the back room, apologized for my waite and explained all the staff is playing with a puppy one of the techs had found along the side of the road. After she gave me the change for my purchase she asked if I was in need of a dog. I said I might be interested. She said I was welcome to view it. They didn't know what to do with it. During our walk to the back room I told the cashier I was just talking with my cousin the day before about getting a dog. Two months prior my 12 tear old schnauzer had run away and never returned. Everyone told me dogs have this instinct to find a place to die in peace and they believe that is what she did. Of course the cashier said I needed to get another dog to fill the absence of my dog Tweety (I did not name her, she came with that name!)
Back in the corner the staff was bent over a beer case with newpaper bellowing over the edges. As I approached they parted like the waters of the Red Sea, only instead of carrying a wooden walking stick I was carrying a reused Wal-Mart plastic bag. Non the less to them I was the Small Town Gay Moses there to save a puppy rather than a chosen nation. As I peered over the side of the box this beautiful golden and sand dollor beige ball of fluff napped on top of an antique clock. I instantly fell in love.
That was the strong desire I was feeling! His spirit was calling to me. We've been buddies ever since and through hell and high water we've made it together.
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Am I Middle aged?
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Sep 3, 2008 2:49 pm
3367 Views
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Remember when you saw your uncles or grandparents, even you own parents doing something and would stop due to old age. Like in the middle of a game of tag at a family birthday gathering and the adults would stop, huffing and puffing, sipping from their beer that they told you never to touch, while they lit their cigs and cigars, which they also told you never to touch. In the back of your mind you proclaimed to never let that happen to you. You would be able to run and keep up with your kids, neices and nephews, and even the neighborhood kids! Did you keep your private proclimation? I am proud to say I have. My only question is am I in middle age?
As a youngster I always remember the words 'middle age' as something bad, or at least something to fight off through exercise and proper nutrition. I don't think I have or am doing any of that but I know I can out last the teen aged tikes of today. Most people are surprised to find out my age because I neither act nor look my age. Although how does one act their age? I am often bored to death in the presents of other men my age. While they are sitting around waiting to get even older, I'm out hiking with my dog through the river banks, visiting our state parks, and I never drive in the summer. If I can't bike there I don't go. I'm rarely home.
Physically I guess I'm middle aged. My Grandfather passed in his late 70's. Genetically I'm well on my way. Physically I don't understand the words slow down. Like I've said and will continue saying if this is what the fourties is suposed to act and look like then God bless Himself for this creation.
I wont be publishing any HOW TOO... books but I love the fact I kept my self proclamation. Even with the life I've led, I wouldn't change a thing.
When I feel middle aged I will blog it in bold pink letters!
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Why Am I Starting A Blog?
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Aug 20, 2008 1:21 pm
3312 Views
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I can't really answer this queation. I guess I've run out of things to do. I moved to Redwood Falls, MN about 9 years ago from Mpls. I can't say I'm any happier here vs. the cities but I'm no more misserable either. I've never lived in a small town and let me tell you the culture shock was incredible. I went from living in a population of over 500,000 to just over 5300.
After 9 years here I know I would never move back to the cities but it never fails to enter my mind the differences between city life and rural life. It took me a good couple years to get use to the slower pace and even longer to actually accept this as home.
I moved here to get away from an incredibly fast paced life of bars, drugs, and an endless search of happiness. All this on top of the back stabbing, cut throat, confussing life of female impersonation. Yes, I was a drag queen! A very good one I might add. I was a national title holder with an international organization, as well as a state title holder with a tri-state non-profit organization. I had control of almost every booking between St. Paul & Mpls. as well as the first long term engagement on a main stream dinner theater stage in Little Canada,MN.
After a decade of what I thought was a full filling life of fame, money, national travel, sex-drugs-rock & roll, every thing came to a crashing halt when I realized I was loosing my personal identity. It took me a while to notice I didn't even answer to my real name any more. In or out of a dress I was Lady Monique Champaigne.
Depression had settled in but with a few strokes of a make up brush, a stiff brandy and water, and a couple lines of cocaine life would continue. Life in this manner did continue for a couple years. Toward the end I was so polluted it was a wonder I made it through an entire show. Actually I'd spend most of the next day wondering how my shows ended. Riddled with fear and anxiety I'd enter the bar to get ready for another night of The Champaigne Show. There were times I'd be pulled aside by the manager to discuss my outragous comments or actons from the night before. I was able to fill the seats so they over looked them mostly.
As most stories of fame mixed with drugs go, I became sloppy and out of the five booking I had control over I lost two of them. Everyone started to notice and I'd heard the gossip either second hand or behind my back. It got to be too much and I did the unthinkable. I walked away from it all.
That's how I ended here. My family is from a reservation in S.W. MN so I packed up a duffle bag and moved here. Yes, I've been able to clear my head and get my feet planted firmly on the ground. More importantly I've regained my identity. I have no desire to ever prance around on a stage to lip sync to some one elses music again. Once in a while I do miss the fame but I would never comprimise my selfworth again.
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To link to this blog (siouxguy) use [blog siouxguy] in your messages.
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